Bush IS Hitler

A Pledge to KKKConservatives from their Progressive Overlords
November 17, 2006, 2:11 am
Filed under: Progressive Pledge to Conservatives, Uncategorized

To Our KKKConservative Underlings,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week’s election. You’re worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place. You’re right. Your 12-year RepubliKKKcan Revolution has ended, never to return. We’ll make sure of that.

Well, I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democrat Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you as our servants. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you.

Thus, here is a pledge to disheartened KKKConservatives from their Progressive Overlords:

Dear KKKConservatives and RepubliKKKcan$s,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always pretend to respect you at election time, if we decide to continue having elections. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us because we know nobody would buy it. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us, so we know who you are. But above all, we believe in fairness. Therefore, we will set up a “Fairness Commission” to approve what may be said. You believe in fairness, don’t you?

2. We will let you marry whomever you want. We realize that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to be awfully busy, but that’s why we will start human cloning. And don’t think that you will be forced to have gay sex. Only your children will be forced to have gay sex, merely to get rid of that “yucky homophobia”.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. Instead, we will spend “your” money and your children’s money. It’s your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. In fact all money will be sent to us, and then redistributed back to you, to ensure that no one’s checkbook is out of balance.

4. When we soon bring that liberal soldier we heard about, home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. They deserve to live, so that they can be tried for War Crimes. We promise never to send your kids off to war; only off to peace.

5. When we eliminate America as the last democracy, we will have universal health coverage, and all Americans will be able to get help when they fall ill. Sure it will take a lot longer, and you’ll probably die waiting in line for it. But it will be free! And if we ever get results from research using murdered babies, we will institute mandatory Choice, like the enlightened Progressive Chinese, and we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

6. Even though you have opposed the Kyoto Treaty, we promise to ship ALL remaining manufacturing jobs off to China, so that we, the Democratic majority, will have cleaner air in our Limos and purer water in our toilets. And we will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink from our toilets.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will immediately determine what we have done to cause him to hate us so much, and then we will change AmeriKKKca to please him. In that way, we will protect you.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb (since you’re KKKConservatives, who would want to). What you do there as Consenting Creatures is your business. We will continue to count your stem cells from the moment you were conceived, and count your age from the moment your parents failed to exercise Choice.

9. We will not take away all of your hunting weapons, only weapons of violence. If you need more than words to capture a poor little bird or innocent little Bambi, then you shall be assigned a different “sport”. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from weapons of violence, and should anyone ever try to harm your children we will engage in a meaningful dialogue, address the root cause of the problem, and come to a mutually beneficial resolution, thus protecting your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay KKKconservative women that wage, too. We will pay all people that wage, from the 16-year-old fast-food worker to the Embryonic Stem Cell Researcher with a doctoral degree.

11. We will allow your religious beliefs, even when you don’t put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (“Blessed are the poor,” “Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies.”), by making everyone equally blessedly poor, and making peace with our “enemies” by surrendering. We will let people in other countries know that God doesn’t bless America, he blesses everyone else. We will discourage religious intolerance by persecuting Zionism and KKKChristianity, and embracing Islam.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich, unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people, unless they are a Democrat. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST (unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi, or a Democrat), right after we eliminate the RepubliKKKcan Culture of Corruption. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it, so we know who you are.

I promise all of the above to you because you are currently living in this country, too. You shall be made to be every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together comrades. We sink or swim as one. From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Thank you for the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world. Suckers!

19 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That’s a good one!

Comment by JannyMae

We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us because we know nobody would buy it.


Comment by pastahero

I pledge myself to this brave,courageous and progressive document. I can only hope our fellow Amerikans will bend over, grab their ankles and hope for the best as well…

Comment by Chairman M.S Punchenko

We will not tolerate politicians who are bought and paid for by the rich – unless the rich answer to the names of George Soros, Teresa Heinz Kerry, Barbra Streisand, or any other Hollywood celebrity with deep pockets who would feel better about themselves if they buy and pay for politicians who would enforce “fairness at the workplace” of which they haven’t got a clue except that it sounds right. We must support and cultivate the “liberal rich” who think they can compensate for their personal transgressions by giving million$ to the Church of Progress. At the same time we must stomp out the “conservatives rich” who aren’t so easy to shake down, and therefore are useless for progress. There’s no point in keeping this polluting human waste around.

Comment by Red Square

Dude, there’s nothing in there about legalizing marijuana to ease the suffering of glaucoma patients and Doritos bingers.

Comment by Che

Dude, there’s nothing in there about legalizing marijuana to ease the suffering of glaucoma patients and Doritos bingers.

All things in time comrade. All things in time.

Comment by Speaks Truth to Chimps

Maybe a few additions?

Number 2

You can now marry your toaster, oatmeal, or the guppy in your fishbowl. Marriage has no definition, it never did and it never will.

Number 9.

We’re taking your guns…period.
Boxcutters and IEDs are OK, especially if you’re practising “The Religion of Peace” and in that case you can keep your gun too so you can kill all the unarmed Zionists and KKKhristians after we confiscate all their weapons.

Comment by Laika the Space Dog

Remember! Muslims, pagans, Satanists, etc = good, Christians and Jews = bad! (Oh, and if you’re CATHOLIC, just write your will. The Party will get you and disregard the ill to redistrubute your thigns according to Equality.)

Comment by comradej

This is funny stuff. Well done.

I don’t know who to fear more: liberals who want to see my country lose, or conservatives sitting idly by letting it happen.

Comment by Jihad Jay

Well, this time, the liberals acted like Cinese people with erections; they went and voted.

It just goes to show that 6 years of constant “alternative truths” and pure hate finally paid off.

Not to mention the help of the news media. I used to live in a suburb of L.A. One time, I actually saw a drive-by shooting. It didn’t even make the LOCAL news, nor did any of the gang violence in the BAD parts of that city. But all I have heard about on a daily basis for the past several years is: “3 Iraqis died today…”, whether an American was involved or not.

I say that once we finally surrender in Iraq, we should also surrender in East L.A.

Comment by Speaks Truth to Chimps

Oh! The point of my above rant was that there’s not a lot that KKKonservatives CAN do at this point.

Comment by Speaks Truth to Chimps

Now is the time for all of the party faithful to “only follow orders” and get their asses over to Vietnam. Where Curious George is having a grand old time…


Comment by markdaycomedy

lol man this was brilliant:)

Comment by zee

your a fucking idiot the kkk was created by southern liberals, all of which were members of the democratic party

Comment by James Roberts

Huh? Everyone knows that the KKK were/are Republicans, as were George Wallace and Bull Connor. Now, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln, THEY were Democrats.

Perhaps I shall be forced to write a dissertation on the history of the RepubliKKKan Party and the KKK (one and the same?)

Comment by Speaks Truth to Chimps

God you are an idiot the democrats are the party of teh klan and were the slave owners and still oppress the working man today.

12 years saved the USA from the CLinton hedmongony


“your a fucking idiot the kkk was created by southern liberals, all of which were members of the democratic party”

This is satire…don’t take it that seriously. Besides, only a true idiot spells the contraction of “you are” as “your”

Comment by Branish

Perhaps I should explain to people who aren’t political junkies why I posted this important document.

Michael Moorehammad (pbuh) posted his surah (as written in the Moore’an): “A Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives …by Michael Moore“.

He has been accused of plagiarism by someone from the Democratic Underground.

But both documents are ultimately based on this, my act of beneficence towards the vanquished foes of Progress.

Comment by Speaks Truth to Chimps

“God you are an idiot the democrats are the party of teh klan and were the slave owners and still oppress the working man today.”
This is a satirical site. It’s making fun of the fact that many libs love to associate conservatives with the KKK, even if there is no basis for such allegations (While conveniently ignoring the less- than-admirable history of Robert Byrd, the man many Democrats call the “Conscience of the Senate”).
“We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us because we know nobody would buy it.”
LOL, Amen

Comment by Adam

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