Bush IS Hitler

Exclusive: Preview of John Kerry’s New Stand-Up Act
November 2, 2006, 1:14 am
Filed under: John Forbes Ketchup

My fellow travellers Americans. Imagine, if you will, that you are in a bar, and that behind the bar is me, John Kerry, dispensing beverages as though I were an ordinary man. I know, I know, it stretches the imagination to an almost unfathomable level, but bear with me. Now imagine that 19 American retards Troops come into that very bar.

I say to them, “There are so many of you. How many exactly are there of you, if you are able to count to such a high number?”

Well, after all their shoes are removed, and in one case, their pants (one retard Troop was counting too high), along with much confusion and mirth, they finally come to a consensus and say, “19.”

And I reply, and this is the funny part, “I asked how many of you there were, not the average of your Intelligence Quotients!”

Kerry: “Don’t be a Retard Like Our Troops”
October 31, 2006, 9:02 pm
Filed under: John Forbes Ketchup

Finally, “The Man from France” had the courage to say out loud, what everyone else was already thinking; that our troops are retarded homicidal baby-killers. Well he actually said that last part quite some time ago, but I’m sure he means it even more now than ever.

And who would know more about the military than JFK (or Ketchup Man, as his friends call him). After all, he spent almost 4 months in Vietnam committing atrocities, getting injured and earning medals.

Wait a second, I remember finding an old Kerry diary in an antique store right after Dan Rather found those documents about Bush’s National Guard (lack of) Service. Here are some relevant parts:

April 2, 1969
Today my squadron and I burned a village full of civilians to the ground in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Khan. Some might choose to refer to this as an atrocity. I prefer to refer to it as “fun”.

There was a Vietnamese (or “Gook” as I prefer to call them) baby left alive within the village, so I suggested that we barbecue and eat it. This turned out to be the single best order I have yet given while serving in Gookland, for it was delicious (!), reminiscent of veal. For others in this conflict, it may be about staunching the flow of Communism. For me, this conflict is all about eating babies.

April 3, 1969
Last night I was wounded in action by that baby I ate. I was vomiting all night in a manner reminiscent of a sandwich I once ate at the Genghis Cohen Deli. I shall submit a report on the incident demanding my 3rd Purple Heart, and in addition, the Congressional Medal of Honor. Truly that baby had the strength of 10 100 a battalion of men with the amount of vomit and diarrhea it caused as it worked its way through my digestive system. I shall henceforth refer to this as “The Battle of the Big Baby Battalion”, and have already pinned my stained shorts on my chest as a de facto medal. I’m going home.

Well, that PROVES that all military people are homicidal baby-eating retards, doesn’t it!