I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week’s election. You’re worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place. You’re right. Your 12-year Republi
KKKcan Revolution has ended, never to return. We’ll make sure of that.
Well, I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democrat Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you as our servants. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you.
Thus, here is a pledge to disheartened
KKKConservatives from their Progressive Overlords:
KKKConservatives and Republi KKKcan $s,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always pretend to respect you at election time, if we decide to continue having elections. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us because we know nobody would buy it. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us, so we know who you are. But above all, we believe in fairness. Therefore, we will set up a “Fairness Commission” to approve what may be said. You believe in fairness, don’t you?
2. We will let you marry whomever you want. We realize that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to be awfully busy, but that’s why we will start human cloning. And don’t think that you will be forced to have gay sex. Only your children will be forced to have gay sex, merely to get rid of that “yucky homophobia”.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. Instead, we will spend “your” money and your children’s money. It’s your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. In fact all money will be sent to us, and then redistributed back to you, to ensure that no one’s checkbook is out of balance.
4. When we soon bring that liberal soldier we heard about, home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. They deserve to live, so that they can be tried for War Crimes. We promise never to send your kids off to war; only off to peace.
5. When we eliminate America as the last democracy, we will have universal health coverage, and all Americans will be able to get help when they fall ill. Sure it will take a lot longer, and you’ll probably die waiting in line for it. But it will be free! And if we ever get results from research using murdered babies, we will institute mandatory Choice, like the enlightened Progressive Chinese, and we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed the Kyoto Treaty, we promise to ship ALL remaining manufacturing jobs off to China, so that we, the Democratic majority, will have cleaner air in our Limos and purer water in our toilets. And we will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink from our toilets.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will immediately determine what we have done to cause him to hate us so much, and then we will change Ameri
KKKca to please him. In that way, we will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb (since you’re
KKKConservatives, who would want to). What you do there as Consenting Creatures is your business. We will continue to count your stem cells from the moment you were conceived, and count your age from the moment your parents failed to exercise Choice.
9. We will not take away all of your hunting weapons, only weapons of violence. If you need more than words to capture a poor little bird or innocent little Bambi, then you shall be assigned a different “sport”. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from weapons of violence, and should anyone ever try to harm your children we will engage in a meaningful dialogue, address the root cause of the problem, and come to a mutually beneficial resolution, thus protecting your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay
KKKconservative women that wage, too. We will pay all people that wage, from the 16-year-old fast-food worker to the Embryonic Stem Cell Researcher with a doctoral degree.
11. We will allow your religious beliefs, even when you don’t put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (“Blessed are the poor,” “Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies.”), by making everyone equally blessedly poor, and making peace with our “enemies” by surrendering. We will let people in other countries know that God doesn’t bless America, he blesses everyone else. We will discourage religious intolerance by persecuting Zionism and
KKKChristianity, and embracing Islam.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich, unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people, unless they are a Democrat. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST (unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi, or a Democrat), right after we eliminate the Republi
KKKcan Culture of Corruption. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it, so we know who you are.
I promise all of the above to you because you are currently living in this country, too. You shall be made to be every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together comrades. We sink or swim as one. From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Thank you for the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world. Suckers!