First, sorry I was gone so long, but to paraphrase Justin Timberlake, “I’m bringing the Activismy back.” I’ve been recreating my pivotal role as Protestor #4 during the Seattle WTO Uprising in the movie, “The Battle in Seattle”; an acting performance that is certain to land me an Oscar for Best Performance by a Pre-Operative Transgender Actor. But don’t worry, when I’m hobnobbing with Babs, Sean Penn, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, I won’t forget about you, the little people. And don’t worry, nothing’s going to change THIS girl, at least until we get an enlightened Progressive government that will finally pay for my gender reassignment surgery. But enough about me, my darlings.
I finally received the Books on Tape version of the “Iraq Study Group Report” and was able to listen to it while riding the bus to the “set” of my latest movie. There are some HUGE surprises inside. First, for those of you who don’t have Oscars, I will explain the background of this. The Iraq Study Group was commissioned by Aaron Spelling shortly before his death, and comprised of really concerned celebrities dedicated to bringing peace to the universe. In an attempt to get Bu$Hitler to listen to it when he had it read to him, it was chaired by the disgraced former ReiKKK-Wing Evangeli$t Jim BaKKKer, along with the $6 million dollar man Lee Majors, and tan guy George Hamilton. Also along for the ride were Lawrence Fishburne (and you wonder why Der Fuehrer is having him arrested for “tax evasion”, hah!), former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight, little known soul-singer Edwin Starr, bald singer Sinead O’Connor, pianist Leon Russell, former footballer William “The Refrigerator” Perry, actor Rob Lowe, and noted intellectual Jessica Simpson.
Oh dear, I seem to be running out of time tonight… My curtain call is for 9:00 A.M. For my next movie I will have it spelled out that a star of my magnitude DOES NOT WORK BEFORE NOON (and that under protest)! So I will skip to the most GARGANTUNORMOUS surprise in the whole report:
After hearing reports on a daily basis for the last several years about the number of Iraqis killed that day, I naturally assumed that Iraq was a neighborhood in South Central Los Angeles. GUESS WHAT PEOPLE! Iraq is an entirely separate country that isn’t even inside the U$$A! This was a shock to me, even though many of you know that my 2 PhDs and 3 MAs are currently in the field of “Human Geography”, so I can imagine the shock that people like you with less than 2 PhDs (and 3 MAs), and no Oscars must be experiencing.
But do you realize the implications for the Chimpeachment of Bu$HitlerBurton? We all realized he had to go when we thought he had “only” invaded a sovereign NEIGHBORHOOD, but now, BUSH IS AN INTERNATIONAL WAR CRIMINAL!
I’ll see you all at The Hague.
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African-American comedian Paul Mooney (never heard of before or after the Dave Chapelle Show until now) told the following joke as part of his response to the Michael “Cosmo Kramer” Richards N-Word incident to illustrate that racial humor CAN be okay, so long as it’s funny:
A little RepubliKKKan child gets a bright idea, smears mud all over his face, runs up to his mother and says, “Looky hear mammy, I is an African-American.” His mother takes one look at him and says, “That’s terrible!” before giving him a spank on the rear and sending him off to see his father. His father takes one look at him and says, “You’re an abomination!” before giving him a spank on the rear and sending him off to see his grandfather. His grandfather sees him and exclaims, “Are you trying to give me a heart-attack, you bastard child!” before giving him a thorough spanking and sending him back to his mother. The mother asks him, “Well, did you learn anything?” And the child says, “Yes I did… I’ve only been an African-American for 5 minutes, and already I hate RepubliKKKans… and Michael Richards, unless he’s a Democrat.”
Issues to discuss:
1) Will the Democrats have the courage to set up a “House Select Humor Committee”, peopled by members of the Congressional Black Caucus, to determine exactly what is, and what is not, funny, and then pass appropriate laws to regulate “comedic” content?
2) Does the patriarchal hierarchy expressed in the “joke” enhance or detract from its “humor”, or does it expose a more sickening message that even the downtrodden Katrina-suffering African-Americans are not immune to the ravages of corrupt racist AmeriKKKan culture?
3) Since he’s African-American, is it possible to force Paul Mooney to reveal the names of the participants in the so-called “joke”, who are all clearly involved in a “Cult of Child Abuse”? Can Janet Reno be brought on board this inquest?
4) Will Kramer apologize to Oprah Winfrey, who has suffered more than all of us?
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With Progressives seizing control of power in AmeriKKKa, and the imminent
surrender strategic redeployment from Iraq, followed by the news that Islamic Sharia Law is Gaining an Increasing Foothold in Britain (not to mention Phrance where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was recently elected “Grand Poofter” by almost 70% of the popular vote), it’s only a matter of time before Sharia Law Comes to AmeriKKKa.
Folks, this is a FANTASTIC opportunity! It’s only a short matter of time before AmeriKKKan women will be LIBERATED truly at last! No more “Inequality of Beauty!” No more “Women as Sex Objects!”
Picture Angelina Jolie in a Burqa! Now picture Rosie O’Donnell in a Burqa. They both look the same! True Women’s Liberation!
But we in AmeriKKKa currently don’t have the infrastructure in place to sell Burqas to the 150 million
cattle women. Someone’s got to do it, and there is BIG MONEY to be made!
I have Trade-Marked the name “Burqa-Mart™”, and am only awaiting an infusion of
KKKcapital to launch a mega-chain of retail stores across AmeriKKKa, that promises to go global!
So get in on the ground floor (no RepubliKKKans, Zionists, or Capitalists need apply, this is for The People)!
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week’s election. You’re worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place. You’re right. Your 12-year Republi
KKKcan Revolution has ended, never to return. We’ll make sure of that.
Well, I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democrat Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you as our servants. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you.
Thus, here is a pledge to disheartened
KKKConservatives from their Progressive Overlords:
KKKConservatives and Republi KKKcan $s,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always pretend to respect you at election time, if we decide to continue having elections. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us because we know nobody would buy it. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us, so we know who you are. But above all, we believe in fairness. Therefore, we will set up a “Fairness Commission” to approve what may be said. You believe in fairness, don’t you?
2. We will let you marry whomever you want. We realize that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to be awfully busy, but that’s why we will start human cloning. And don’t think that you will be forced to have gay sex. Only your children will be forced to have gay sex, merely to get rid of that “yucky homophobia”.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. Instead, we will spend “your” money and your children’s money. It’s your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. In fact all money will be sent to us, and then redistributed back to you, to ensure that no one’s checkbook is out of balance.
4. When we soon bring that liberal soldier we heard about, home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. They deserve to live, so that they can be tried for War Crimes. We promise never to send your kids off to war; only off to peace.
5. When we eliminate America as the last democracy, we will have universal health coverage, and all Americans will be able to get help when they fall ill. Sure it will take a lot longer, and you’ll probably die waiting in line for it. But it will be free! And if we ever get results from research using murdered babies, we will institute mandatory Choice, like the enlightened Progressive Chinese, and we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed the Kyoto Treaty, we promise to ship ALL remaining manufacturing jobs off to China, so that we, the Democratic majority, will have cleaner air in our Limos and purer water in our toilets. And we will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink from our toilets.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will immediately determine what we have done to cause him to hate us so much, and then we will change Ameri
KKKca to please him. In that way, we will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb (since you’re
KKKConservatives, who would want to). What you do there as Consenting Creatures is your business. We will continue to count your stem cells from the moment you were conceived, and count your age from the moment your parents failed to exercise Choice.
9. We will not take away all of your hunting weapons, only weapons of violence. If you need more than words to capture a poor little bird or innocent little Bambi, then you shall be assigned a different “sport”. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from weapons of violence, and should anyone ever try to harm your children we will engage in a meaningful dialogue, address the root cause of the problem, and come to a mutually beneficial resolution, thus protecting your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay
KKKconservative women that wage, too. We will pay all people that wage, from the 16-year-old fast-food worker to the Embryonic Stem Cell Researcher with a doctoral degree.
11. We will allow your religious beliefs, even when you don’t put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (“Blessed are the poor,” “Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies.”), by making everyone equally blessedly poor, and making peace with our “enemies” by surrendering. We will let people in other countries know that God doesn’t bless America, he blesses everyone else. We will discourage religious intolerance by persecuting Zionism and
KKKChristianity, and embracing Islam.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich, unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people, unless they are a Democrat. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST (unless they are Harry Reid or a friend of Nancy Pelosi, or a Democrat), right after we eliminate the Republi
KKKcan Culture of Corruption. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it, so we know who you are.
I promise all of the above to you because you are currently living in this country, too. You shall be made to be every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together comrades. We sink or swim as one. From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Thank you for the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world. Suckers!
Filed under: Uncategorized
It has been almost a week since the Democrats swept to victory, and Nancy Pelosi still hasn’t returned ANY OF MY CALLS.
Not to be immodest, but I am the ONLY reason that the Democrats won. Without my blog exposing Bush as the reincarnation of Hitler, and my post that convinced the Religiou$ ReiKKK not to vote, Nancy Pelosi would be back “servicing” sailors in alleys on Lombard St. like she used to do in college (she worked the corner opposite mine… Good times), instead of being House Speaker.
And what’s with the non-Progress? If I were House Speaker, taxes would already be raised, Bush would be impeached, Michael J. Fox would be tap-dancing, and the
retards troops would be home already. I mean, the KKKristians believe that the Earth was created in 6 days, so I don’t think I’m asking too much.
The non-Progress, along with the fact that Nancy won’t return my calls only reinforces my suspicion that we’re dealing with The Stepford Democrats since that “lunch” with Bush.
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“You say puh-TEY-toh, I say puh-TAH-toh.” Or so it would seem.
The very learned and esteemed Professor Kurgman has posited that AmeriKKKa is now once again merely AmeriKa. I must respectfully disagree.
Although The Peoples have successfully regained control of the House and the Senate, I do not believe that warrants a drop in the defKon ‘K’ rating down to merely one K. In my opinion, due to the singular evil that IS Bush, AmeriKKa must still be spelled with two ‘K’s, down only one from its former three.
This has become quite a bone of contention, with Professor Kurgman proclaiming that his 3 PhDs trump my 2 PhDs and 3 Master’s Degrees, while I maintain that a full house beats 3 of a kind.
In the mean time, while we await the correct decision from The Party on this crucial divisive issue, Professor Kurgman stubbornly insists on saying “AmeriKa”, while I shall steadfastly refer to “AmeriKKa”.
It has been reported that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin have had LUNCH with Bush!
Traitors! All of them!
While it might occasionally be unavoidable to be in the same room with a typical garden-variety knuckle-dragging racist bigoted homophobic sister-raping genocidal RepukeliNazi, doing so knowingly would be cause for grave concern. Merely speaking with any RepukeliNazi is grounds for a long stint at a re-education center. But voluntarily having lunch with a RepukeliNazi? Unthinkable! And having lunch with the most evil entity in the history of the Universe? My head is exploding!
First, we must do a DNA match to make sure the actual Pelosi, Reid and Durbin have been returned to us instead of “Stepford” substitutes.
Then, if they are who they claim to be, let the Purge begin! Through gubernatorial appointments, we could have a true Dream Team at the helm. Picture Michael Moore as Senate Majority Leader and Al Sharpton, or better yet, Jesse Jackson as House Speaker!
Who would be your Dream Team of leaders in the House and Senate?